I should have known. Carter was farting up a storm all afternoon. So, I should have known.
Today was not a good day to attempt a spontaneous potty training experiment.
I read online that one should begin the potty training process by letting the child in question romp diaperless around the house for 10 minute intervals throughout the day. Or, something like that. The rest of what I read is a forgotten blur. I probably should have reviewed the tips before I attempted the experiment.
Nevertheless, in the spirit of testing and failing, when we got home this afternoon, I let Carter play without his diaper.
We shot hoops. We played trucks. We ran around the house. He waddled with his legs crossed because, as we discussed, he was not to pee on the carpet. He was to tell me when he needed to use the potty. He agreed and I believed him. Silly, silly me.
I hopped on the phone for to help my cousin order food online. I looked away for one minute. Just one.
When I turned around, Carter said, “Mommy! Poo-poo!” as he stood over two big fat poop logs in the middle of the carpet. O.M.F.G.
I sprang into action. As Carter wailed, “Oh noooooooo.” in the background, I hastily picked up the poop, threw it on the porch and began scrubbing the carpet. Until I heard Carter again.
“Oh nooooooooo. Mommy, pee-pee!” I looked up and Carter was standing over the heating grate, peeing into its unknown depths. And on the surrounding carpet. I leapt from the mostly clean poop stain and hauled Carter away from the pee. I scrubbed at the puddles and tried to shove wipes into the grate to dab at the pee inside. Pretty sure the next time our heat turns on, our house will be filled with the pleasing smell of stale urine.
As I was busy trying to stick my wipe-covered finger – like a little finger ghost – into the grate, Carter busted out again, “Mommy! Pee pee agaaaaaain!”
The little bugger had ninja-ed his way over to the bookshelf and was peeing all over his furry lamb rug’s face. “Nooooooooooooooo, Carter! How do you still have more pee in you??”
Oh, wouldn’t you like to know, Mommy?
I picked him up with the intention of quarantining him in the bathroom. This time a hushed, “Oh noooo, Mommy….” and I looked down to see another wad of poop still stuck to Carter’s cute little butt cheek. Holding him draped over my arm, I proceeded to wipe the offending poop only to see that said poop wad had also smeared itself all over my t-shirt. *$#*@(*@#(#%*@#$!)&!!!!
I tossed Carter rather unceremoniously into the bathtub where he called for someone to come and pick him up for the next oh…twenty minutes…as I rushed around disinfecting myself and my home from his waste matter. Meanwhile, Andy was busily cooking us a delicious meal and was not allowed anywhere near the mess for fear of contaminating our food.
Needless to say, we will not be attempting potty training again any time soon.