Spiritual Lessons from Unemployment

It has been three weeks since I quit my job at Reset; it turns out there is a period of adjustment as one becomes accustomed to new wings and flight. Taking a flying leap off a cliff is a paradox of exhilaration, terror, romance, boredom, excitement and occasionally piddling around the house in my pajamas. I am learning a ton.

Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence

I wish to encourage every one of you today regarding opposition that so often comes after enlightened decisions have been made, after moments of revelation and conviction have given us a peace and an assurance we thought we would never lose… Beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts…Don’t give in. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness…Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you.
-Elder Jeffery R. Holland

As I studied my scriptures last week, I was prompted to re-read Elder Holland’s speech, “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence”.  It is my new anthem for this period of time. Moments of great illumination are often proceeded by great opposition; great opposition also follows moments of clarity and personal revelation. I can’t give up and I can’t doubt the path. 

Patience

Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.
For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. – Hebrews 10:35-36

Basically, I suck at patience. On my mission, companionships focused on developing a Christ-like attribute each week. I hated the weeks we chose patience, faith and optimism. Those were the weeks that everyone fell out of the bap pool, all our investigators and lessons disappeared, people were rude on the street, or I ended up in the hospital. The Lord doesn’t mess around when we ask to become more Christ-like; He tests us to teach us. Since quitting my job, I have been inspired to study this personally elusive quality and am learning about patience in beautiful new ways.

I usually don’t know how to function unless I’m going ten thousand miles an hour doing fourteen different things at once. I don’t know how to relax. I’ve always had many things to throw myself into 5000%: a cause, a job, a passion, people. As I learn how to align these passions with my family and shifting priorities, the Lord wants me to slow down and take my time. It is hard. But, I’m learning to differentiate between inspiration and impulse, revelation and misdirection. I’m learning that I can still throw myself headfirst into many things; they are simply rearranged differently. Patience is not just for getting through hard things, it is also in waiting faithfully for the good ones. It is pushing forward in the Lord’s time even if I don’t yet know what I’m pushing toward.

Floating Forward

The Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.
–Ether 6:5-6

I often think of these scriptures when I am enduring my own personal tempests. They remind me that storms carry me toward my own promised lands. The last few months were a violent tempest that blew me across an ocean. I may be a little beat up, but I survived and I’m stronger. Now, I’m floating on the water, the sun is shining and the breeze is pleasantly cool. I have a tropical drink in one hand and I’m soaking up the warm rays.

At first, I was slowly going a little bit crazy.

I felt like I wasn’t progressing because I wasn’t rushing around trying to survive a storm or work overload. But, I’m learning that there are many ways to press ahead on the Lord’s path. We don’t only grow and progress in tempests; ships can still move forward when the weather is nice. I can learn and grow, receive guidance, and head toward my promised land in peaceful, happy times too.

Whaaa?

There is still work to do; it is just different than the work I’ve done before. The gentle wind and lapping waves are still carrying me in the right direction. I need to put in work and trust in God.

And be grateful for calm seas and a warm sun.

Teach at Home

We might all ask ourselves: do our children receive our best spiritual, intellectual, and creative efforts, or do they receive our leftover time and talents, after we have given our all to our church calling or professional pursuits? – Elder Tad R. Callister

This quote hit me hard one morning as I listened to Elder Callister’s talk in my car. I was coming home from work exhausted and drained. I spent weekends recovering from the week. Carter was getting my leftovers.

I’ve realized, it’s time to turn back home. Carter needs me. He is my son and my most treasured student. I will have no greater impact anywhere in the world than here, with him, in our home. It’s time to teach.


There have already been so many miracles in the last few weeks. Opportunities, connections, experiences, tender mercies and miracles popping up all over the place. I’ve been amazed. I know in a year or two, I will be able to look back to this time and say, OH. This and this and this are why life unfolded so surprisingly. I will be able say specifically, this door opened, this was made possible, I was prepared to, our family was prepared for… and I am so grateful. The Lord knows what He’s doing and His plan is infinitely more perfect than mine.

Plus, now I’m not missing as many of these parenting gems!IMG_4091

The Angels in Our Lives

Last Friday afternoon, I was wandering around Union Square when I saw a homeless man approach a group of holiday shoppers in an attempt to sell his copies of Street Sheet, a street newspaper published by the Coalition on Homelessness. Street Sheet vendors are given copies of the paper free and keep all their earnings. They are trying to build better lives for themselves. The women who acknowledged this man looked at him with deep suspicion while the others turned their backs and walked away. I approached him as the last woman, arms laden with shopping bags, made her excuses and began to turn around. I told him I wanted to purchase five copies.

After pulling out my wallet, I realized that I needed to make change for my $20, but the nearest retail store wouldn’t do it. When I emerged from the store and explained I needed to look elsewhere for change, he asked if he could walk with me. We walked a few blocks together and I learned about his family, his hopes, his current living conditions and the training programs he has joined. I bought him a meal at Burger King and five copies of Street Sheet. I told him I wished I could do more. In my heart, I felt like one meal and $10 of newspapers would not make any significant impact in his life and I felt overwhelmed with sadness.

But, he thanked me over and over. He couldn’t believe I would buy him a meal and purchase a few copies of the paper. He told me multiple times I was a blessing. I was a gift from God. An angel.

IMG_3187I didn’t feel worthy of the gratitude or the generous descriptions. There is so much more to be done; what is fifteen minutes of time, a fast food meal and $10 of newspapers? But, as I pondered this experience, I realized that I often get so focused on the big picture, on working toward systemic change that I don’t stop enough to acknowledge the power in these small human interactions. Perhaps a conversation, a meal and a sale were what he needed that day.

Each of us can have eyes to see clearly and ears to hear distinctly the tender mercies of the Lord as they strengthen and assist us in these latter days. May our hearts always be filled with gratitude for His abundant and tender mercies.  – Elder David A. Bednar

The Lord has been particularly generous in His tender mercies to me in the last few weeks. It has been a challenging period of time professionally; I’ve felt myself destroyed in ways that have left me questioning my abilities and even my identity as an educator. I’ve been praying to be reminded who I am and what I am capable of and my prayers have been answered in abundance. Heavenly Father has been sending me angels of my own.

  • Andy and Carter: They have been my haven of love and joy. Our home and family feels like a ship, “tight like unto a dish,” that is tossed by mighty winds and waves, yet remains full of laughter and light.
  • Mom, Harv and Dave: After an extremely difficult period of work, I was able to spend almost a week with my family in Kauai. We don’t always talk about personal things and we are all quite different in personality and perspective. But, there’s nothing like the healing power of the love my family, in their own quirky ways, can enfold around me.
  • Katie and Lea – Hadn’t seen either of these two dear friends and former co-workers in several months, but was able to have an impromptu lunch with Katie and then see both at Lea’s birthday party soon after my tough week. They remind me of who I am as an educator and person and they do it with great love.
  • Marlena – One of my bestestestestest friends for almost ten years now. I call her 姐妹 or “sister” in Chinese. We’ve been able to take the train to work together multiple times in the past few weeks. I can’t think of a better way to start the day than being with someone with whom you can talk to about anything and who understands everything that is unspoken too.
  • Melissa – Another close friend and my former coach, she has always been a source of wisdom and support. Though she lives in a different state, connecting with her frequently over the past few weeks has helped me to see things with brighter hope and a fuller perspective.
  • Suzy: Our neighbor who recently sent Andy and me this email, “I’m unexpectedly home this evening and would be happy to come over and take care of Carter if you two would like to get out for a date.” Who does that? Oh, yeah. Angel people. Once in a while, she also brings us soup and cookies. She probably doesn’t have any idea how much we appreciate her gestures of kindness and love. Andy and I often feel like tiny satellites floating off in space in the solar system of our ward; Suzy helps us feel cared for and connected.
  • Alice: A new friend from the ward who has been inviting us on some awesome adventures. In addition to being an incredibly fun and thoughtful person, she is also an insane baker (Heavenly Father knows what we need in our lives!). Last week she dropped off some homemade chocolate toffee amazingness – and I immediately devoured it…grinch-style without sharing. Our budding friendship is like a ray of light that has come at a perfect time.
  • Mrs Paugh – I’m supposed to call her Kaye now, but I’ve been calling her Mrs. Paugh since my sophomore year of high school and the transition has not happened in my brain. She was one of my favorite teachers and my high school advisor. She’s known me for a long long time. Last Sunday, she passed me in the hall at church and paused to tell someone how amazing and wonderful she thought I was. It was a small thing, but it lifted my spirits. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone you know really means it.
  • Mr. Mac – He taught me English my freshman year of high school and is one of my all-time favorite teachers. I still have the notes he wrote me at the end of my essays. He’s one of those teachers that makes every student feel like she or he is his favorite. Last week he messaged me on Facebook for last minute advice on WordPress and we met over hot chocolate a few days later. I don’t think I was much help to him, considering my technological ineptitude, but as always, he was an uplifting force to me.

I don’t get to see these beloved people nearly as often as I’d like, and God, in His miraculous and tender way, arranged it so that I’d see or speak with all of them in the last few weeks. Some people might call it coincidence, but I know it is much more than that.

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I believe in angels. Both the ones we see and the ones we don’t. Heavenly Father has been sending an army of angels – only a few of whom are mentioned here – to watch over me and they are filling me with love. They are reminding me who I really am. They show me that He hears and answers my prayers. He is always aware of me and He blesses me more than I deserve. I am so incredibly grateful.

Sometimes it is the small things that make a big difference. A conversation. A meal. An invitation. Sometimes these things are an answer to prayer, a reminder that God is still watching over us. He sends us angels and allows us to be angels in the lives of others. I need to be better about remembering this.

I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
– Doctrine and Covenants 84:88